


Heartbreaker, Gatekeeper

by autisticaizawashouta



Series: You Can Have My Heart [1]
Category: Sanders Sides
Genre: Emotional Abuse, Everyone else is at least mentioned - Freeform, Gen, Manipulation, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-13 21:56:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13579704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autisticaizawashouta/pseuds/autisticaizawashouta
Summary: Anxiety had one friend. His name was Deceit.





	Heartbreaker, Gatekeeper

Deceit held him when he cried. Deceit was the only one who held him,  _ period. _ The others could barely look at him, and then there was Deceit, who touched him, comforted him, hugged him,  _ held him _ . How scary the other looked didn’t matter when he was the one who would willingly touch him, willingly spend time with him, maybe even like spending time with him.

“Don’t listen to them,” Deceit whispered. “I’m your friend, and you’re my friend. Who knows? They’re probably just jealous of how close we are.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Anxiety replied, quickly reaching up to rub his tears away with the palm of your hand.

“You know, you could make them listen to you,” Deceit said, lifting Anxiety’s chin up with a gentle hand so the two were looking eye-to-eye. “If they won’t listen to you while you’re being  _ nice _ , well….”

Anxiety swallowed. “They already don’t like me, and I’m trying to be nice.”

“It’s not about making them  _ like _ you, it’s about making them  _ listen _ to you,” Deceit replied, one corner of his mouth quirking up.  “Come on, let’s try something, and we’ll see if, maybe next time, they listen to you better, hm?”

“Okay,” Anxiety replied. Deceit released him and turned, heading towards the bathroom. Anxiety followed him, curiosity and, naturally, anxiety curling in his gut. He was intrigued- what did Deceit have in mind here?

Makeup. Deceit had makeup in mind.

“Throw a little eyeliner under those eyes, and I think they’ll just have to listen to you,” Deceit said, the corners of his mouth curling. There was something almost possessive in his tone, but it made sense- Anxiety was  _ his _ friend, after all.

So, he started wearing the eyeliner. And, if he was being honest with himself, he actually liked it. It made him feel more… individual, almost. He and Deceit had already been outcasts, but now, they matched: the dark sides both wore makeup.

(Deceit may say that the snake-like appearance was natural, but Anxiety had caught him applying it before. It could sometimes take hours until Deceit was satisfied with how it was.)

The makeup didn’t seem to be enough to make the other sides listen, though. Logic continued ignoring him,  Patton  Morality continued treating him like, well, not a friend but at least not like he was an awful thing, and Creativity… well, Creativity did as Creativity does.

They insulted each other. A lot. And then they argued.

“They’re still not taking me seriously,” Anxiety muttered, tapping his fingers on the arm of the couch.

“Maybe they don’t take you seriously because you don’t take yourself seriously,” Deceit replied, looking up from where he was reading… something.

“I take myself seriously!” Anxiety protested. He glowered at Deceit.

“Mmmmm,” Deceit hummed, a very skeptical look on his face. “I don’t think you do. You could certainly be doing  _ more _ to make them take you seriously.”

Anxiety sighed. “Like what?” he asked.

“You could wear darker clothes,” Deceit suggested. Anxiety frowned.

“I already wear the darkest clothes of any of them. Logic’s the only one who comes close,” he replied.

“But you could be  _ darker _ ,” Deceit said, making a hand gesture. “A little more intense. They’d definitely listen to you then.”

Anxiety raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure? The eyeliner idea didn’t exactly work wonders.”

“And yet you still wear it,” Deceit replied.

“Yeah, because I like it,” Anxiety pointed out. “All it did to the others was make Creativity insult me more.”

“You do have to admit they listen to you at least a little bit more now,” Deceit said.

Anxiety bit his lip. “I… suppose I can see that. Alright.  You’re thinking… how dark?”

“How does all black sound?” Deceit asked.

“Really?” Anxiety asked. “Are you trying to turn me into some kind of emo?”

“You have to admit, you already kind of are, eyeliner and all,” Deceit shrugged. His manner was blase. “This is just the next logical step.”

“Okay,” Anxiety replied. “If you think so.”

 

“Do you think the other sides will ever accept me?” Anxiety asked. He and Deceit were chilling in their part of the mindspace, the part where the dark sides resided when they weren’t in their rooms. The others rarely showed up- Deceit and Anxiety were basically the only two who utilized it.

“Why do you want them to?” Deceit asked, sneering. “That group of airheads? Why would you want to be accepted by  _ them _ ?”

“Well, they’re… the main sides,” Anxiety replied, making a motion with his hand.

“Do you think we’re any less powerful just because Thomas doesn’t acknowledge us? That actually makes us more powerful than them!” Deceit replied, setting his book down. “Do you really want to give that up?”

“Sometimes I feel like I could do my job better if I could actually talk to him.” Anxiety shrugged.

“Do you think he would actually listen to you? If his supposed ‘main sides’ don’t, why would he?”

Anxiety fidgeted. “Well, maybe he’d see things differently?”

“Oh, Anxiety,” Deceit sighed, shaking his head. “You’re so naive. They won’t listen to you. They barely put up with you.”

He was right. Anxiety knew he was right. And one day? They would get sick of putting up with him. What would happen then? He’d have to work even more from the shadows, like the rest of the dark sides.

“You know how you get them to listen to you better?” Deceit asked, and Anxiety looked back over at him. “You’re too nice.”

“Yeah,” Anxiety agreed. “I guess. They already hate me. Why not?”

 

His first time appearing to Thomas was an  _ unmitigated disaster _ . He locked himself in his room afterwards. No one was getting in.

Deceit always had an in, though, as Anxiety’s one and only friend. He appeared.

“Did it not go as well as we had hoped?” he asked, walking over.

“Oh, it went  _ just stunningly _ ,” Anxiety said, throwing in an eye-roll for good measure.

“Wow, it must have gone abhorrently if you’re using  _ that _ tone with  _ me _ ,” Deceit pouted.

“Maybe I just don’t feel like being nice to  _ anyone _ anymore,” Anxiety replied.

Deceit tutted. “Now, Anxiety, don’t take that tone with me.”

“That’s not my name!” Anxiety snarled, snapping upright and stalking towards Deceit.

“Then what is your name?” Deceit asked, his expression softening. “You’ve never told anyone.”

“Neither have you,” Anxiety pointed out.

“Tell me yours and I’ll tell you mine,” Deceit said, smiling. It looked like a genuine smile.

Anxiety honestly put a couple seconds’ thought into it.

“Nah,” he said. “Maybe I just don’t feel like telling  _ anyone _ my name. Not. Even. You.”

Something hardened in Deceit’s eyes. “I am your friend. Your only friend. You are not  _ my _ only friend. Maybe you should think about that.” He started to sink out of Anxiety’s room.

“Wait, Deceit, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t-” Deceit was gone. Anxiety sighed, and looked over at the wall, his shoulders hunched. “I shouldn’t’ve been mean.”

He sank to the floor and wrapped his arms around himself. Oh, god, what did he just do? If he just drove away his only friend because of a  _ bad mood _ …

But he was a bad mood. Always. All the time. He was  _ Anxiety _ . There was no possible way he could be good.

 

The closer he was to the other sides, the colder Deceit seemed to be. He and Logan had a  bonding moment of understanding? Well, Deceit felt pushed aside, abandoned.

“I’m not abandoning you, calm down,” Anxiety snapped. “If you’re allowed to have more than one friend, then maybe I am too!”

“Oh, like you won’t leave the rest of us  _ dark sides _ , the rest of us who are like  _ you _ , behind the second that they let you in to their exclusive little club,” Deceit snapped. “And what’s really pathetic? You’ll never be able to see that it’s all just an act they’re putting on- they’ve resigned themselves to you sticking on them like a bad smell, so they’re just acting nicer to make you easier to put up with.”

“So what makes  _ you _ put up with me?” Anxiety grumbled. Deceit frowned.

“I take pity on you,” he said, and then sank out, leaving Anxiety reeling. Deceit… took pity on him? That- what did he mean by that?

His back hit the wall, and he sank down and fought the urge to start crying into his knees. If pity was all he could get, then he’d just have to take it and be happy with it. None of the others would ever do anything other than resent him.

 

“What. Are. You. Doing,” Deceit asked.

Anxiety looked up, an eyebrow raised.

“Relaxing,” he replied.

“That is- that is not how you relax,” Deceit said, gesturing at everything.

“It’s how  _ I _ relax,” Anxiety replied, taking a sip out of his glass.

“How, I don’t get it, how is sitting fully clothed in a bathtub full of water while drinking wine relaxing?” Deceit asked, gesturing wildly at everything.

“What do you take me for, some hopeless wine mom? It’s Gatorade,” Anxiety replied.

“That’s- That’s worse, I didn’t know it could get worse,” Deceit said. “Why are you  _ relaxing _ ?”

“There’s been too many changes lately,” Anxiety muttered, glaring at his Gatorade and swirling it around in his wine glass.

“Too many- too many changes?” Deceit asked. He was frowning. “Since when are you incapable of handling a little  _ change _ ?”

“I’m Anxiety,  _ duh _ ,” Anxiety replied, taking another sip of his Gatorade.

“Yes, but do you really need to go this far to ignore that?” Deceit asked.

“I’m not ignoring it, I’m calming down,” Anxiety said.

“This is the single strangest way I have ever seen someone calm down,” Deceit said, shaking his head. “I honestly didn’t think you could get any weirder.”

“Is there something  _ wrong _ with my methods?” Anxiety asked, gesturing disgruntledly with his glass.

“Yes,” Deceit replied. “This is another thing you might want to consider changing. Who knows how hard it would be for the others to take you seriously if they found out about…  _ this _ .” Deceit sank out then, and Anxiety frowned at his wine glass. He suddenly… wasn’t really feeling it anymore.

 

When did it go so wrong? Anxiety was- he was wrong, he had screwed up. And he was crying, and it was ruining his eyeliner, but he couldn’t find himself caring in that moment because he had messed up  _ so bad _ -

Oh. Deceit was in his room.

“Aw, Anxiety,” he said, gathering Anxiety in his arms. “What’s wrong?”

“I- I screwed up,” he said. “How could I- why did I ever think I could  _ help _ him?”

“You finally figured it out?” Deceit asked, voice soft.

“I, yes, yes I figured it out,” Anxiety replied.

“Well, let’s get you calmed down, and then we can go find the others-  _ our _ others- and figure out where to go from here,” Deceit suggested.

“What?” Anxiety asked, pushing away and looking at Deceit with confusion.

“Well, now that you’ve figured out that you can’t  _ help _ Thomas, you can come with us,  _ your kindred spirits _ , and you’ll never have to be unwanted again,” Deceit said. His voice was silky, smooth… almost like the snake he resembled.

But… he  _ knew _ what it was the dark sides did.

“Maybe I’d rather be alone than hurt Thomas,” Virgil snapped.

Deceit flinched back, as if struck. “What do you mean? Surely you don’t think you can just… seal yourself away in your room for the rest of our lives.”

Could he? Could he actually just…  _ leave _ like that?

“Maybe I can,” he said.

“Anxiety, you’re my friend,” Deceit said. “I would hate to see you do that to yourself!”

“You mean you’d hate to lose what I could do for you,” Virgil said. His blood was freezing cold. How had he managed to miss that? He was the one who always worried about whether their friends were just faking, just using them, and all along… all along he’d never noticed that his only friend was doing just that.

“What do you mean?” Deceit asked. “You’re my friend! People don’t like seeing their friends hurting, especially not hurting themselves, and I am a person just like you or any of the other sides.”

“Exactly. You’re just a side, just like me or any of the others and  _ we don’t work like humans _ ,” Virgil snarled. “I won’t hurt Thomas, not unintentionally, and definitely not intentionally. Get out of my room.”

“Anxiety, surely you’re not driving off your friend? How could you even think of doing that?” Deceit looked so… hurt. Virgil’s heart stuttered. Could he… could he really do this?

He was still crying. He had almost forgotten.

“Because I’m not your friend, and I’ve never been your friend,” he said. “And I don’t think you’ve ever been mine.”

“You can’t possibly mean that.” Deceit was… begging?

Too bad. Virgil had made up his mind.

“ **Get out of my room,** ” he growled. Oh, goody, the voice of legion was making an appearance.

But it worked. Either Deceit chose to sink out, or somehow he had  _ made  _ Deceit leave. And now that he was gone, he wasn’t getting back in. No one was getting in, unless for some reason Thomas decided to go  _ looking _ for his  _ Anxiety _ .

Which… well… he’d never do. They’d probably all be ecstatic to find out that he was gone.

He sobbed harder, burying his face in his hands. Why did doing right by Thomas have to hurt so  _ much _ ?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for sticking through with this to the end :)  
> leave a kudos and a comment if you enjoyed!  
> with love,  
> Kestrel


End file.
